Sometimes i feel like I'm running head-long into a brick wall. . . over and over and over. Boy, does it hurt. But i keep stepping back and doing it again. Like it'll be different this time. Like I've forgotten the how it bruised me before. It's like I never learn.
But that's sin for you. And that's a fallen human being. I am always going to mess up, everyday, nearly every minute. But that doesn't mean I can give up.
C.S. Lewis said that, “No man knows how bad he is till he has tried very hard to be good." It's the trying hard, all on our own, that makes us realize how desperately we need Somebody else to try for us. It's our very sin that shows us --- in stark, obvious ugliness --- how much we, sinners, need a beautiful Savior.
"And I've beat my head against so many walls
Now I'm falling down, I'm falling on my knees" (Rich Mullins).
Awe, and gratitude, and love for Him --- they bring me to my knees. And all three of those are lovely, full feelings; overflow that makes me want to sing.
And then there's sin. It also brings me to my knees. But I'm there because I've fallen, not because I knelt. I'm there because emptiness aches. "Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight" (Psalm 51:4).
I don't know how God keeps patient with us, but He does. And I don't know how sinners can be redeemed, but we will be.
So no matter how many times I slam myself into that wall, I know that He'll take me back. And we'll try it again. And again. And we'll keep on trying again until the day when I won't fall down. Because "in keeping with his promise we are looking forward to a new heaven and a new earth, where righteousness dwells." (2 Peter 3:13)